consistent - maybe not, blogging's my way to complain - appears so. I definitely have not been able to or put much of an effort into keeping up with blogging, it's only in time like these that I have a desire to articulate what's going on because I don't know any other way how. So, maybe brokenness is what someone else needs to see right now, or maybe this will just be writing therapy for me - either way I consider blogs as a blessing.
So, I'm in the middle of another set of changes and shocking - I hate it. It never ceases to amaze me that even though I know change is to be expected, I am never prepared for it to come. I think this may be an accurate reflection of where I am in my relationship with the Lord, but never-the-less, grief has stricken me once again and the Lord is still faithful. In these times that demonstrate how small my faith truly is, I am overwhelmed at how the Holy Spirit picks me up and holds me. I pray for pain to be taken away, for strength, for things to just stay the same and expect God to grant me these. In reality, I think His promise to us more clearly indicates His willingness to walk alongside us and carry us when we are too broken to do so ourselves -even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and staff protect me and comfort me - Psalm 23:4. What a beautiful promise this is! I was upset in the fact that Jesus wouldn't just remove these feelings or replace them with the peace that transcends all understanding, and overflowing joy and other promises we may feel entitled to as Christians. But this peace and joy, love and all other characteristics of Christ's followers do not replace pain, grief, and sorrow. Instead there is something deeper, an eternal hope and promise that paradise is not far away. I am amazed over and over again at how comfortable I can get in my own life when things are going how I would have them be (perfect world scenario), but when brokenness comes again (as it always does) God has space to do the work He wants to do in all stages of life. In brokenness and pain I am receptive to His work and plan for me because I feel a loss of hope and comfort, which encourages for a pursuit to make Him my rock and salvation. A fickle heart in me is overcome by a passionate Spirit of Him, and I can say again "Abba, Father, here am I, send me".
I have been blessed with love from all directions and pray to not get comfortable with this love, but seek for the author of love to lavish me with His unconditional and unending love. I do not disregard the honesty and necessity of human love, but it can easily become a replacement for me in it's way of seeming for real and tangible. I, for the first time in a long time, would be comfortable with being away from paradise for a little while to experience the ways of the world, an odd and daunting experience. My pursuit for harmony continues again and I am so thankful that I am never left in my own mess all alone.
After feeling truly ashamed of writing this, after catastrophic events occurred to our neighbors in Boston and knowing that I am not alone in the change I am experiencing, I read through an old blog that another indicated was an encouragement to them. And what an encouragement it was! Reading through my struggles only 6 months ago and the struggles I had then remind me of Gods incredible faithfulness. No, I wasn't able to hold my academic career with a complete open hand, but my fingers are slowly loosening in their grip. This past semester I trusted God to show up through spreading my time to things other than my post-secondary career and what a blessing it was! I was able to spend time with family, friends, and my girls with a genuine heart to be where I was and not have my mind divided between where I was and where I felt I should be. I didn't work too often during the academic year and trusted that finances and marks would show up, if I was in the center of His will. They did! My little faith can be shattered again by His faithfulness! I still struggle to find identity beyond the letters behind my name and the "success" I achieve in my life, but I have found an unusual quote that has helped me recognize times when my priorities need to be worked out - or the fact that you're so obsessed with your future that you completely forget about everyone you're supposed to give a s**t about - Post Grad. A movie that isn't focussed on spirituality hits really hits the target for me in that they recognize it's the everybody, not the everything, that we're supposed to give a s**t about. It was revealed to me when I studied at YWAM that our ultimate purpose here on earth is to restore our relationship with Christ, each other, and help others restore their relationship with Christ. Never once does being popular, intelligent, or successful come as a prerequisite to following or being used by the Lord. I was reminded again last Sunday about the insignificance of the what's in our life's so much as our character. We worry about being at the right school/job, dating the right person, living in the right place and so many other things, but if we are living to serve Christ He is always using us and gently directing us. There may not always be one path that we need to take in order to be fulfilling Christ's plan, but continuing to walk in His will can give us peace that where we are is okay. Not always an easy reality, I understand that, but I think there is wisdom in not always needing the "right" in situations.
Love you all xo
Monday, April 22, 2013
Week Seven - Outreach
The last week. I seriously felt like I blinked and already it was time to come home. I miss some things about America/Canada for sure, but I have let Thailand into my heart a little bit too, so knowing that I will never again see some of the people I met, makes leaving extra hard. But I'll start from the beginning of what happened this amazing week and work up to the leaving part.
After we got back from the village, we were able to have a weekend to relax and hang out at Lawns house, with a pool, couches and other awesome luxuries. We also got to eat pizza and then an intense, huge, american, awesome breakfast the next morning! My stomach did some major yoga since it's not used to american food, especially cheese, anymore, but it seriously did not stop any of us from indulging in the food that we had missed a lot. I even got to help cook the breakfast as a "test" to see how good of a cook I was. Luckily, I was not the only one in there or else food that we were all incredibly excited for, would have been not so appealing to anyone. So we ate a lovely breakfast and just took time to relax by the pool with our newly created family until we got to head out for a little bit of shopping. The cool thing about a shopping trip in Thailand is that even if you only have a little truck, all of your friends can go with you! Riding in the bed of a truck down the freeway is a little bit nervous, but when it's just little roads it made a bit of an adventure for us and dodging bugs was another exciting little tid-bit to the ride. It was a fun filled day that lead to an exciting night also. Lawn had a BBQ at his house for us and the teachers and students that went to the village the previous week. Well when a group of high school boys and girls get together, looking nice and having a pool readily available, trouble gets stirring. Boys were boys and wrestled with each other until they fell in, but unfortunately I was the first, "lucky" girl to get chucked in the pool. I have to say I did put up a pretty decent opposition to my Muay Thai opponent, but I did lose and I was not the last to enter the dark, wet abyss. The rest of the night was one of relaxation and sleep, a little different than the previous week had looked, so it was beautiful and well enjoyed by all of us.
The next day we spent a lot of time sitting, but it was pretty amazing to experience some of the "touristy" attractions in Thailand. We spent a lot of time in a van driving to get to get to ride elephants! Unfortunately on the way one of our vans got into a small accident causing the 2 hour ride to turn into four. We did make it to the elephants though and it was pretty awesome sitting on these massive animals. I was able to ride with my friend Rebekah and our elephant had a little baby attached to her by a "leash". Super cute and when the other elephants would poop, the little baby would try to dodge the poop and walk around it, it was entertaining to watch. Our driving was pretty funny also since a significant portion of the time that we were on the elephant he was texting and on the phone. For the first time in my life I would be on the team that says texting and driving is a bad idea. I wasn't sure how confident I was that he would be able to control this large mammal if he was fully attentive never mind half un focussed, but the elephant was well behaved and we even rode her without having the guide on at all. It was a pretty awesome moment in asia and I am definitely okay that it is extremely documented by my photograph maniac friend Bethany Penner. That was the night that we found out that we weren't in fact building huts in a village out of elephant poop for debrief, but instead going to an island resort called Koh Samet!! I'm pretty sure it was one of the best moments in my life after being tired from the week before.
So we headed to Bangkok for the night and then off to Koh Samet as a nice relaxing few days as a team.
After we got back from the village, we were able to have a weekend to relax and hang out at Lawns house, with a pool, couches and other awesome luxuries. We also got to eat pizza and then an intense, huge, american, awesome breakfast the next morning! My stomach did some major yoga since it's not used to american food, especially cheese, anymore, but it seriously did not stop any of us from indulging in the food that we had missed a lot. I even got to help cook the breakfast as a "test" to see how good of a cook I was. Luckily, I was not the only one in there or else food that we were all incredibly excited for, would have been not so appealing to anyone. So we ate a lovely breakfast and just took time to relax by the pool with our newly created family until we got to head out for a little bit of shopping. The cool thing about a shopping trip in Thailand is that even if you only have a little truck, all of your friends can go with you! Riding in the bed of a truck down the freeway is a little bit nervous, but when it's just little roads it made a bit of an adventure for us and dodging bugs was another exciting little tid-bit to the ride. It was a fun filled day that lead to an exciting night also. Lawn had a BBQ at his house for us and the teachers and students that went to the village the previous week. Well when a group of high school boys and girls get together, looking nice and having a pool readily available, trouble gets stirring. Boys were boys and wrestled with each other until they fell in, but unfortunately I was the first, "lucky" girl to get chucked in the pool. I have to say I did put up a pretty decent opposition to my Muay Thai opponent, but I did lose and I was not the last to enter the dark, wet abyss. The rest of the night was one of relaxation and sleep, a little different than the previous week had looked, so it was beautiful and well enjoyed by all of us.
The next day we spent a lot of time sitting, but it was pretty amazing to experience some of the "touristy" attractions in Thailand. We spent a lot of time in a van driving to get to get to ride elephants! Unfortunately on the way one of our vans got into a small accident causing the 2 hour ride to turn into four. We did make it to the elephants though and it was pretty awesome sitting on these massive animals. I was able to ride with my friend Rebekah and our elephant had a little baby attached to her by a "leash". Super cute and when the other elephants would poop, the little baby would try to dodge the poop and walk around it, it was entertaining to watch. Our driving was pretty funny also since a significant portion of the time that we were on the elephant he was texting and on the phone. For the first time in my life I would be on the team that says texting and driving is a bad idea. I wasn't sure how confident I was that he would be able to control this large mammal if he was fully attentive never mind half un focussed, but the elephant was well behaved and we even rode her without having the guide on at all. It was a pretty awesome moment in asia and I am definitely okay that it is extremely documented by my photograph maniac friend Bethany Penner. That was the night that we found out that we weren't in fact building huts in a village out of elephant poop for debrief, but instead going to an island resort called Koh Samet!! I'm pretty sure it was one of the best moments in my life after being tired from the week before.
So we headed to Bangkok for the night and then off to Koh Samet as a nice relaxing few days as a team.
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